Defending the Spheres

Beholder farts

They smell

I have my doubts about tobart. I haven’t brought it up to him(but really how do you bring this up?), but I think he’s a beholder! Now I’ve prided myself on being a level headed pirate, but beholders make for bad business partners… For starters they don’t cooperate with their own kind, and view the rest of us as food.

You’d think that would disqualify them from my list of buisiness partners right there! Not true. I can think of plenty of partners in crime that would eat me given the right circumstances! Mind flayers are perfectly reasonable individuals. I take it as a compliment when a flayer wants to eat my brain while we talk shop, just don’t play cards with them!. Neogi are another example. Just because they have a taste for sentients doesn’t make them all bad!

See beholder are bad because they are arrogant, And because it’s justified. Disintigrators, death rays, petrification to name a few. Even if you could deal with their godlike egos, and Titan like temper tantrums, you can’t get past their bad breath. Do you know what 3 week old Orc smells like? Without a hand to pick the bits out, it just hangs from their slobbering mouths.

But the worst part? Their gas! They are constantly moving around by farting! See contrary to common thought, beholders don’t levitate by their magic. Otherwise they’d fall down when they look at each other. They eat the rankest meat they can find, the fatter the better. And somehow they float on it. Imagine your entire crew were bug bears, and they all eat nothing but beans. Then imagine they pinned you down, and farted on you nonstop till they go pass out from drinking what passes for swill amongst them…. That would smell better than the pervasive stink of a beholder.

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Gilgamesh achilles

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